Porn...Not Just For Men

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Do Men With Sisters Make Better Lovers Than Men With Brothers?

As published in The River Newspaper

WHEN women start dating, most worry about meeting the boyfriend's parents. Will the mother resent you luring away her darling son? Will the dad have a cardiac arrest when he sees your outfit? But what about his siblings? Should you worry about them too? The answer, apparently, is 'yes'. Not from the angle of whether or not you will gain their approval - but because they could provide vital clues about the future of your relationship. That's because research shows that men with sisters are more considerate towards the 'gentle sex' - than those with brothers. In other words, if you're looking for a loyal, sympathetic mate - one who won't do the dirty on you -you'd better make sure your boyfriend's sibling is called Danielle, not Daniel.

Celebrity psychologist Jo Hemmings

Jo Hemmings, Celebrity psychologist told The River: “Men who grow up in a predominantly female household – where there are more sisters plus mum, than brothers plus dad, tend to have an understandable insight into the way girls mature into women and the blessings and burdens that brings with it.”

Jo, who is also the resident sexpert on ITV’S This Morning, continued: “Encountering PMT for example, or how their sisters respond to emotional issues, offers a natural and regular learning curve into the way women work. So in that sense men who have sisters do tend to make better, as in more sensitive and understanding, boyfriends than those who grew up with brothers only – or as an only child.”

A sample survey by The River revealed that 75 per cent of female students at Kingston had better experiences dating guys with sisters than guys with brothers. The majority added that they were more faithful and sensitive.

“My boyfriend grew up with only brothers and he is the cockiest guy ever,” said Lianne Murphy, 20, a first year criminology student. “He’s had loads of girls and actually cheated on me when he went away on a boys’ holiday a few years ago. He did confess later and was full of remorse so I gave him another chance.”
Lianne’s previous boyfriend grew up with sisters and was completely different. “He was a sweet and sensitive guy who wasn’t cocky at all. He was actually older than me but I was his first. I know he would never have cheated on me but I found him a little clingy – which was irritating.”

Researchers from the psychiatry department at the University of Texas, concluded in their study that men who grew up with sisters are less sexually active adults. They split new-born male rats into three litters: one mixed sex litter, one male-biased litter, and one female-biased litter. Once the male pups grew up they tested their ‘pulling skills’ with new female rats.
The rats brought up with ‘brothers’ wasted no time getting jiggy, but the rats raised with ‘sisters’ were slower at making their move. Although they did, eventually, get lucky.

Interestingly, the females weren’t as attracted to the males raised with sisters - like humans, they couldn’t resist a bad boy. When a female rat gets horny she wiggles her ears, they did this more in the company of the cocky rats raised with brothers.

Professor David Crews, the author of the study, said: “Although such males were less attractive to receptive females and less motivated to mount females, once mounted they were equally as efficient at ejaculating.”
In other words, even though it took them longer to get laid their performance was exactly the same.
Crews believes the rats’ behaviour throughout the study can be applied to humans, adding: "It tells you that in families how many brothers and sisters you have, and the interaction among those individuals, is particularly important in shaping personalities.”

So are we girls (and rodents) cutting off our nose to spite our face by going for dominant alpha men from predominantly male households? Forget about his star sign ladies, it’s all about his siblings!
If he’s one of many brothers run for the hills. On the other hand, don’t we quite enjoy the pursuit and challenge, of hot-blooded males? And wouldn’t life on a quiet, peaceful hillside get a bit boring?
Love rat versus doormat – you decide.

GG x

Why Do Men Cheat?

I found out some bad news last weekend, my best mate had been cheated on. 

Now to put things into perspective, my best mate is not only gorgeous, he’s a show-stopper. Putting His Model looks aside he’s also intelligent, funny and extremely ambitious. His only downfall is his narcissistic tendencies. But hey, who wants to date someone insecure?

As for his boyfriend (ex now) well, he’s not exactly Brad Pitt. To quote Cher from Clueless, “he’s a Monet. From far away it’s ok, but up close It’s a big old mess”. 

So when James called me hysterically after finding graphic, x-rated sex- texts on his partner’s phone you can imagine my surprise. I was even more surprised when (after 10 minutes of Facebook stalking) the guy his boyfriend cheated on him with had a face like a dropped pie. And this is not me being biased. 

So why do guys who can have rump steak at home prefer to chomp on  canned corned beef?

I know how James felt when he found out. Hearing the news resurrected traumatic memories for me.

First of all it feels like Rocky’s just punched you in the stomach. Then there’s several trips to the toilet to throw up. Soon the thought of them touching someone else invades your mind and then your eyes begin to swell up and sting from crying. If you’re a smoker, like me, you sit there and chain until that too makes you sick.

When I found out my ex boyfriend of almost two years had been cheating on me for six months I was inconsolable. What made the revelation worse was the pure hypocrisy of it all.  He used to accuse me 24/7 of cheating on him. Basically, anyone I knew who happened to be male, I’d slept with.

It got to the point where I couldn’t have any male mates, unless they were gay, and even that was a struggle.  Yes, he was the nutty ex I referred to in my first post. Jeremy Kyle may be a self-righteous twonk but he’s right about one thing: “Those who are constantly accusing their partner of cheating are usually doing it themselves.” Amen Jeremy.

When I found out I lost all touch with reality, I turned my back on the world and locked myself in my room to rot away like Miss Havisham. 

Of course he came groveling back with an expensive bracelet from my favourite jewellers, as a present. As if that would eradicate the fact he’d been f***ing another girl behind my back for six months.

He also wrote me a letter, addressing it to “Chubbs” (my pet name….yes I know!!). He said he was “so sorry” and that he had the “best memories with me”.

After hours of painful, hysterical shouting we both sat down on my bed. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him so I stared at the over full ashtray instead. After five minutes of deafening silence, I asked him why he cheated.  He told me he did it because it made him “feel better being in bed with another girl knowing I was getting chatted up all night”.

His fears of me “getting chatted up all night” were over my old job as a promotions/ shot girl.  What he didn’t seem to comprehend, no matter how many times I reassured him, is no shot girl ever finds men on a night out remotely attractive, as they are always drunken sleazeballs. Incidentally, he didn’t mind spending the money I earned. I’ve lost count of how many tubs of Creatine tablets I bought that meat head.  

After he left I called the girl he cheated on me with, as he tried to make out they’d only slept with one another a few times. It soon materialized that he had been leading a double-life. She had no idea we were still together and thought he was her boyfriend. We spent hours fitting things together on the phone and actually ended up laughing about his ridiculous lies. We said if he undertook a lie detector test the machine would explode because it wouldn’t be able to cope with the amount of bull shit which came out of his mouth.

She is too good for him too, and I hope she’s found a decent guy now.

When James asked his boyfriend of 10 months why he did the dirty on him his answer was even more devastating than the discovery of those disgusting text messages. He told him that he never really loved him, and that he only said he did because James told him over and over how much he loved him. He also said that he’d never wanted a relationship and that it felt like they’d been together longer than they had because James always made everything “so serious”.

I can tell you, hand on heart, that James was more than patient in that relationship. He didn’t smother him, nor was he demanding, and when Rob said he was busy with “uni work” James would understandingly step aside.

If he didn’t want a relationship then he should have made it clear 10 months ago. If James had known the score from day one he wouldn’t have got involved. He’s a pragmatic person who isn’t flippant in love and has a selection box of guys to choose from.  He would never make someone his everything, knowing he was just their something.

So why do guys cheat? Is it Insecurity? Or perhaps Opportunity? Or are they just slags? Well, in my experience it’s all three.

As for James, there’s no quick cure for a broken heart, and although it’s an overused cliché on Late Night Love, time really does heal. He doesn’t see that right now, but in a few months he’ll look back and think “what did I ever see in him?”

Because I think that every time my ex pops into my head, and now, that’s not very often. Thank God.   

Analysing The Psyche of a Professional HeadFuck

When my bespectacled, politics-loving, straight-talking friend with the uncontrollable hair and quirky outfits told me she had a "date" on a Monday night I knew it would be anything but ordinary.

When she elaborated that the guy she was going on a date with was in fact the guy who’d sent her an elaborate essay of an email after they’d spent one PG night together - I began to worry.

Ten minutes into meeting him on that fateful night and she’d already confessed her obsession with the blonde girl her ex dumped her for; the rather un-classy affair she’d had with her friend's boyfriend, and her penchant for pretentious musicians.  It’s no surprise this seemingly level-headed ex-smoker was soon chaining his way through her Golden Virginia, and who could blame him?

Yet whether it was because he had nowhere to stay or because he thought he'd get lucky for the first time since his ex of three years dumped him, he went back to her humble abode. Drop any images of hot, steamy sex – it was all very innocent. Just kissing and cuddling under the duvet like two naughty school kids on a sleepover.  

When he left the following day, after hours of painful intellectual conversation, he asked to see her again. Unfortunately, this whole First Official Date business turned into something of a headfuck extravaganza, with weeks of to-ing and -fro-ing about whether or not he REALLY wanted to go out with her. Not to forget the bizarre email he sent her waffling on about how he “wasn’t after anything serious” but he’d like to see her again…blah de blah blah.  

After Mr Headfuck’s letter of confession he did a U-turn (Usher-styley) and initiated a date for….um… a Monday night. Monday lectures were interesting watching Sasha snap at everyone and chain smoke (illegally) in room 47. At half five a stressed Sasha departed for Waterloo to meet him.

A few glasses of wine later and she was on the undesirable blurry end of the tipsy scale, having been too nervous to eat a thing all day. ("It's not the date, it's my dissertation!" Yeah, right.)

Sasha then snubbed the pub and dragged him to a bench along the South Bank. But unlike Terry and Julie’s admiration for Waterloo’s Sunset they acquired an excessive fascination for the street lights. During this time Sasha learnt that he used to fancy her best mate, that he was "confused" about where he was going in his life and that he was very happy to be single. This was repeated more than once, actually.

And yet she still held out hope that she might get a snog out of him. But in true confusing-man style he politely declined, reiterating his "confusion" and politely giving her a chaste hug before she stumbled down an escalator to catch her tube, her dignity following her closely behind.

To rub salt into the wound I was suppose to meet her after the date for an all nighter in the library – but I bailed out oblivious to what had happened at Waterloo.

Four hours sleep, three mind-numbing lectures and about eight hundred cigarettes later it was my turn to say something helpful about Mr Migraine and her less-than perfect night. Despite her being an opinionated, irritating leftie with a phobia of blondes - she is a catch. And he should count himself lucky that she even wanted to snog him – let alone go out with him.

So for once I was stumped by his attitude. I've come up with four possibilities as to why he had to let her linger (literally). Here it goes:

1. He's Just Not That Into You: He gave the whole date thing a go but quickly realised she wasn't his cup of tea and decided not to see her again.

2. He's Still Hung Up On His Ex: Either he still has feelings for her or she hurt him and self-preservation is screaming at him to not get involved with anyone.

And although he likes her, he doesn't want a relationship and is happy to remain friends.

3. He’s playing hard to get: He likes her so much he wants to take it slowly because he respects her and wants her to be more than a one night stand.

4. He's Just A HeadFuck: No further explanation needed.

How To Spot A Weirdo

I USUALLY expect a ’comical’ birthday card from my dad. The hand made type with a glued on picture of me as a toddler sporting a Pizza Hut hat with ice cream all over my chubby chops. With a caption below saying: “You haven’t changed much have you?”

I usually humor him with a fake laugh before rolling my eyes at my sister – both of us thinking, “Dad joke”.

But as I unpeeled the pink envelope to my 24^th birthday card something unexpected happened. The card had a picture of a 50s couple selecting chocolates from a posh box. Underneath the caption read: “Men are like chocolates, wait too long and only the weird and nutty ones are left”.

This could be funny, but considering my recent ex was the personification of weird and nutty the expression ‘truth hurts’ sprung to mind.  Whilst my family burst into hysterics like a pack of hyenas all exchanging anecdotes about my nutty ex I entered a state of trance.

I remembered a conversation I’d had with a friend about how to spot a weirdo. She said, and quite rightly too: “The thing is, Georgie, they don’t come with a tattoo saying “psycho” across their forehead.”

It’s true. They don’t, they’re usually the most charming ones. After all, Satan disguised himself as an angel of light…

So how do you pick a strawberry cream over a hazelnut truffle? Unfortunately, there is no easy way other than trial and error. But there are some early warning signs you can look out for when dating.

No 1. Excessive jealously:

 If you receive a text message and he’s bending his neck like Uri Geller’s spoon trying to read it then alarm bells should ring.

 If he says “who’s that?” Run.

It will only get worse once you’re official – he’ll no longer ask to look at your phone he’ll just snatch it.

No 2. He comments on your dress sense, or the “lack of it”:

 Comments like “that’s a bit short”, or, “who are you trying to impress?” mean that in two months time he’ll have you dressing like the Iron Lady.

 No 3. Unnecessary harassment:

If he calls and texts you constantly when you’re out with the girls then you need to play Jennifer Hudson’s smash hit song ‘spotlight’ on repeat and get the message!

No 4. He accuses you of flirting with his mates:

He’ll say: “Why are you giving Joe the eye?”

When really you’re just being polite and looking his mate in the face when he is talking to you.

No 5. He automatically hates every male friend you have:

Even the hopeless one who has been single ever since the doc cut the umbilical cord from his mother.

It’s easy to confuse possessiveness with love, and in the early stages feel naively flattered by his attention towards you.

“He just really cares,” I’d reassure a friend, after 10 missed calls before I’d even had a sip of my skinny latte.

He doesn’t care.  He’s insecure and controlling. Lose the deluded thoughts like ‘he just loves me so much’. He’s probably been like this with every girl he’s ever had.

Girls - there’s only one place this man belongs – untouched – like the miniature Topic at the bottom of a Celebrations’ box.