How To Spot A Weirdo

I USUALLY expect a ’comical’ birthday card from my dad. The hand made type with a glued on picture of me as a toddler sporting a Pizza Hut hat with ice cream all over my chubby chops. With a caption below saying: “You haven’t changed much have you?”

I usually humor him with a fake laugh before rolling my eyes at my sister – both of us thinking, “Dad joke”.

But as I unpeeled the pink envelope to my 24^th birthday card something unexpected happened. The card had a picture of a 50s couple selecting chocolates from a posh box. Underneath the caption read: “Men are like chocolates, wait too long and only the weird and nutty ones are left”.

This could be funny, but considering my recent ex was the personification of weird and nutty the expression ‘truth hurts’ sprung to mind.  Whilst my family burst into hysterics like a pack of hyenas all exchanging anecdotes about my nutty ex I entered a state of trance.

I remembered a conversation I’d had with a friend about how to spot a weirdo. She said, and quite rightly too: “The thing is, Georgie, they don’t come with a tattoo saying “psycho” across their forehead.”

It’s true. They don’t, they’re usually the most charming ones. After all, Satan disguised himself as an angel of light…

So how do you pick a strawberry cream over a hazelnut truffle? Unfortunately, there is no easy way other than trial and error. But there are some early warning signs you can look out for when dating.

No 1. Excessive jealously:

 If you receive a text message and he’s bending his neck like Uri Geller’s spoon trying to read it then alarm bells should ring.

 If he says “who’s that?” Run.

It will only get worse once you’re official – he’ll no longer ask to look at your phone he’ll just snatch it.

No 2. He comments on your dress sense, or the “lack of it”:

 Comments like “that’s a bit short”, or, “who are you trying to impress?” mean that in two months time he’ll have you dressing like the Iron Lady.

 No 3. Unnecessary harassment:

If he calls and texts you constantly when you’re out with the girls then you need to play Jennifer Hudson’s smash hit song ‘spotlight’ on repeat and get the message!

No 4. He accuses you of flirting with his mates:

He’ll say: “Why are you giving Joe the eye?”

When really you’re just being polite and looking his mate in the face when he is talking to you.

No 5. He automatically hates every male friend you have:

Even the hopeless one who has been single ever since the doc cut the umbilical cord from his mother.

It’s easy to confuse possessiveness with love, and in the early stages feel naively flattered by his attention towards you.

“He just really cares,” I’d reassure a friend, after 10 missed calls before I’d even had a sip of my skinny latte.

He doesn’t care.  He’s insecure and controlling. Lose the deluded thoughts like ‘he just loves me so much’. He’s probably been like this with every girl he’s ever had.

Girls - there’s only one place this man belongs – untouched – like the miniature Topic at the bottom of a Celebrations’ box.